Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize