Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
