I want to walk on stilts...naked
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
it's like iHOP with fire
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Randomize
