A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
