this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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