before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Randomize
