so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
i just had sex bonerless
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
