Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
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