Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
