He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Randomize
