we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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