I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
