The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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