I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
