Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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