I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
