Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
