I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Randomize