They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
