I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
