dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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