Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Randomize
