She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize