I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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