oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
