You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
as a side note pls kill me
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
