someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Randomize
