Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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