She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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