Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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