distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
