They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Oh god it's open bar.
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