just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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