8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
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