My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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