i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
