Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Then you guys just all showered together...?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
