i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
