A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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