There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize