she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
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