Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
