do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
