so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Randomize
