What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize