$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
