So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
