You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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