you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
