My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
