He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
and she was petting her beer can
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
