Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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