I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Randomize