I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
