Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I just want nice things and good sex
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