No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
