oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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