Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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