until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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