how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
