I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Randomize
