i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
we're so committed to being not committed
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
