saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
