My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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