if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
