my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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