Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize