Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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