He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
