i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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