I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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