yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
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